Repressed Memories of Sexual Abuse

A word on repressed memories.

            Many publications have attempted to dispel the reality of repressed memories.  Equally, many lawyers have been employed to rip apart the testimony of victims based on the victims’ repressed memories. For a time, these individuals and publications that purport that victims with repressed memories are liars, sick, and mentally ill had a profound effect on me.  I was fearful of what I felt they were saying about me.  But the truth is, those publications are a sham.  They are lies perpetrated by those who would protect the worst kind of criminal there is: people who destroy the lives of innocent children.  I know that repressed memories are real memories because I had repressed the memories of my abuse and I was sexually abused

The abuse that was perpetrated on me from the time I was 4-years-old until I was about 10-years-old occurred usually no more than once or twice a year over the course of a long holiday weekend and often in the middle of the night.  Despite the horrific intensity of the abuse and rape – which sometimes involved a group of men participating in a child sex ring – much of my childhood was away from the abuse where I was loved by my family, as a child should be.  I believe that this made the memories easier to repress.

Initially, one of the scariest things about healing from childhood sexual abuse was the fact that I had repressed the memories.  Today, however, I am grateful that the miracle of the human brain allowed me to do such a thing, because I feel that I was able to grow and develop in a relatively typical manner in a large part thanks to “forgetting.”  Of course, one can never truly forget, and the effects of the abuse always lingered in my subconscious and left its stain on my conscious existence.  This left me vulnerable to rape and abuse in my teenage years because, although I was unaware of the pedophilic grooming that told me that I was powerless to keep from being sexual abused, that grooming remained in my subconscious.  I also believe that the intensity of the abuse and the purposeful mind control tactics that were employed on me as a young child, contributed to why, as a teenager, I was still unable to protect myself from the pedophile priest who quickly determined and took advantage of my vulnerability and raped me several times.

In the early stages of recovery, I felt as if I could not trust myself.  If I had been able to hide this ghastly reality from myself, what else had I hidden?  My abusers told me time and time again that I was just like them, and that I was going to be abusing children the same way that they were abusing me.  I never accepted this.  Not when they were saying it, and not as I was growing up away from their abuse.  I am a good person.  I feel that I have always been a good person, and people who know me best have told me that I have always been kindhearted.  Much in the way that my abusers could not turn me into a girl or a homosexual – as they repeatedly told me I was – they also could not turn me into an abuser.  Nonetheless, after I first accepted the reality of the abuse, I did not trust myself or my memories.  I was afraid that I had sexually abused my younger brothers, and had repressed those memories.  I told them of my fears and I asked them directly if I had ever sexually abused them.  They gave me the answer that I already knew was true deep in my heart: I had not sexually abused them.  I am very grateful to them for being so open and caring toward me during that time.  It was difficult for me and I am sure that it was difficult for them.  Today, my mind is whole and my memories are intact, and I know that I never sexually abused anyone.  Of course I would never abuse – sexually, physically, or verbally – a child or anyone; that is just not my way. 

One of the great things about going through the healing process was that, as my mind opened up and I remembered more and more of the abuse, I also remembered how I purposely pushed the memories out of my head (or rather pushed them into a corner of my brain and sealed them off).  I believe that this active forgetting was also much easier to accomplish because of the human brain’s often natural reaction to trauma, which is to remove the consciousness from the scene of the crime, even while the crime is still occurring.  For example, while being raped, I was able to leave my body.  I am aware of how that sounds to people who look to dispel the reality of memory repression, and that was a huge part of my fear in recovery and healing – “am I crazy?”.  I know that I am not, and I know that leaving my body was a gift that I was given to help me to survive. 

For years I had feared that people would not believe me and would try to poke holes in the truth of the abuse.  I was afraid that aspects of what happened to me would seem unbelievable, and that I would be called a liar.  I do not care anymore what is believable to anyone other than myself, and I am blessed in that my entire family never once doubted me.  I am now fully aware of what happened to me, and sadly, many victims have had similar experiences. 

Regarding purposely pushing the memories away, it was done with great persistence and determination.  Whenever any thought led me to memories of the abuse, I would cut down that thought and the memories and then I would scream internally: “No! No! No! It’s not true!  It can’t be true!  It never happened! It never happened!”  I would also use the words of my perpetrators against myself: “You’re a liar!  That never happened! You don’t know what you’re talking about!”  This allowed me to cut the memories shorter and shorter until my mind stopped going down those memory paths.  And when the abuse recurred, I would cut down the memories all over again. 

At one point in elementary school, I was filling my trapper-keeper with drawings of blood, guts and mutilated people.  Then I heard somewhere that that was considered a possible sign of abuse, so I destroyed all those pictures.  I was diligently on the look-out to ensure that no evidence in my behavior revealed that I was being sexually abused.  Despite my desperation in trying to cover up the truth, what I really needed all along was to speak up about what was happening to me.  I could not do that then, but I am able to do it now.

I am thankful that I finally recovered these memories.  They have helped me to become a whole person.

There is much written about repressed memories, and maybe I will write about again.  In the mean time, search the internet and see for yourself.  If you have suffered from sexual abuse, my heart goes out to you, and I implore you to put yourself on the difficult road of healing.  You can do it.  I will continue to share my thoughts here.  Please share this blog with your friends.  There are many survivors out there.  Hopefully these words will be helpful.  You are not alone.